Jesus Christ Suma Star

Because I most closely resembled a Middle-Eastern man of all the girls in my year, I was once asked to be Jesus in the Easter Mass at my Catholic girls’ school. The rehearsal got me out of several maths classes and one double science class. Up on stage I realised who I really was - the Queer Messiah. I also got a free strawberry milk at the canteen that day. I thought the only way was up for me. How very wrong I was.

Other things did happen in my youth. I enjoyed an emotional affair with Oscar Wilde, my peers and I found a poo in a bra on the basketball courts, and when I moved out I lived in a share house with licentious Marxists. But when you realise your calling as the Messiah as a teenager, what is left but martyred eye-rolling at the idiocy of daily life?